As you might guess, this date did not go well. I almost left about 5-10 min in, but decided to stick it out, mostly because I thought writing this would be more fun if I stayed. I was right, so here we go…
Originally The Self-Help Guru seemed normal. He messaged me, talked about boring things like jobs and what not. We decided to meet up Sunday after my book club. I told him I was going to be in Chinatown and he said, ok let’s meet in Ballston, which kind of disjointed, but ok. The final decision was that I should text him when I was leaving (I figured he would then pick a place in Ballston for me to meet him). He did text me a place to meet him, but it was the Cosi across from the Ballston metro (maybe not a great date place, but whatever).
I walked in, and he has a table and a coffee, or I guess remnants of a coffee. So I sat down, and we started talking. Well, first, I was just not attracted to him, he felt a lot older than me (POF says he is 39, so I guess I should have decided that earlier, note to self 39 is too old). About 5 min after sitting down my hands were on the table and he just reaches over and starts fiddling with my ring. Ever heard of personal space dude?! Then he says that the light was glinting off of it, so he just had to touch it (because you’re 3 years old?). I also felt like I was being interviewed for a job. So Many Questions! Just like quiz after quiz. I was exhausted from talking about myself.
Then he suggested I should get a drink, and he said he wanted to refill his coffee. Although it seemed important that I understand the coffee was decaf… is coffee judgement a thing? We went up to the counter and when the barista came over, he suddenly needed to run to the bathroom. Really? You couldn’t pay for my lemonade? Really? At that point I considered leaving, but I thought all you readers might enjoy some more story (honestly the ridiculousness that occurred was totally worth the extra 40 min).
He returned and was asking me about my book club (a valid questioning point as I had just come from there). I mentioned that I like sci-fi and fantasy. He asked me about Star Trek and Avatar. Kinda concerned that the last fantasy movie he could come up with was Avatar, but anyhow. He said he thought the magic ponytails were cool (seriously? worst part of the movie dude). I commented something about how the entire world being connected through a consciousness was the most interesting concept in the movie. Then he said, well it’s like here but without the ponytails, we have mind waves. I’m assuming I looked confused, because well… yeah. The he says, well we’re all connected to god. I’m assuming that my face then looked rather skeptical, because he took one look at me and said “Oh I guess you don’t believe in god, do you?” I was like, umm no. Maybe not the best topic of conversation for 30min into meeting someone, just a thought. Not only that but he then brought up god multiple other times after that, which was just awkward.
Don’t worry, the fun continues! Then we launched into the Self-Help portion of the date. He started by guessing things about me, but he said them in such vague, confusing terms I could barely tell what he was talking about. Like, you enjoy increasing and expanding, which meant, I like to continue to learn things (I think). He claimed that he could tell a lot about a person very quickly, which lead to the next fun adventure.
Then he launched into this insane imagination theory thing. He started it as saying that he read about it in a psych book and it would tell you a lot about a person. My friend found it online in 5sec via google. It’s listed as an entertaining game to start conversation. Not only that, but he asked all the questions wrong (my dad is a PhD in Psychology and does marketing for a living, so I know the most important thing you can do is ask the question correctly or you will get completely different answers). Also, he then described to me the meanings of my answers wrong! If you would like to do the game for yourself, do it now, before I start describing mine. I’ll wait….1… 2… 3… 4… 5…
He started out by asking me to imagine an open space of some kind, then as an after thought mentioned a dessert as a possibility, I had already imagined something else (large grass field), it didn’t seem important, so I didn’t change to a dessert. This highly influenced the amount of flowers that appeared later (desert vs. grass…), but since he told me they represented friends, instead of children… well, you see the problem here. He also asked me if my cube had 4 corners on the top at some point. My response was, well yes, it’s a cube… The horse part was my favorite though, stick a horse somewhere. ok? He went on and on about how I wanted to trust my future husband, because I didn’t tie up the horse and most people tie it up. Well, this seems problematic, don’t must people want to trust their spouse? Maybe he read a different version of this, but it was impressive how wrong he was, so wrong I could tell never having done this before that he was doing it wrong.
Next, he proceeds to tell me that he reads a lot of self-help books. Now why would you admit that to someone you just met? Yes, I have some self-help books, I’m sure most people do, but they’re the ones I stick on the shelf in my bedroom and don’t tell people about until I know them well enough that I’m ok with them making fun of me. Obviously, telling me about this habit of his was a good call in the first hour of meeting me. He also says that he’s a life-coach on the side. I really, really hope these people are ok, getting life advice from him seems like a horrible idea. He also tells me that I’m organized and my apartment must be really clean (I literally laughed out loud at that one, my apartment is almost never clean). He proceeded to grab my hands again and said he thought I was organized because my nails are well-groomed (really, really?).
Thankfully, we both sort of said we needed to go at the same time. As we walked out he offered to drive me home, and I refused, said there was a bus coming soon (I had no idea if there was, turns out not. I took a cab). He asked when I was free this week. I said I wasn’t sure and had some plans to finalize. Then we parted ways. He proceeded to text me at 10:20PM to tell me he had a good time, and when was I free to go out this week? I may have ignored him… ok, I definitely ignored him.
SO, aren’t you glad you got to share my amusement?